A Year at Law School

It seems like just yesterday that I was in sixth form and working on my Personal Statement, which I had to submit to get into the law school of my dreams. And now, here I am, set to take two weeks' worth of tests there. One thing that has astonished me is how little I feel I know after a year of lectures, seminars, and studying. I did pick up some things, as my revision indicates, but I don't feel at all like Harvey Specter, Eve Cornwell, or Elle Woods. I feel as though I am still in the same position as when I was studying for my A-Levels a year ago. Granted, I realise this a fallacy, but nevertheless the concept of being the same feels comfortable to me. I feel like this is one of the misconceptions that isn't often talked about in videos, podcasts and experiences. 

One thing that I became increasingly aware of during my first year was myself, and more specifically, what I appeared to be to everybody else. I hear quite frequently that "Law isn't about what you know, but who you know", and it has somewhat reigned true so far. LinkedIn is a sea of "I am delighted to announce"s and "I am pleased to share"s and suddenly your peers become your competitors and you want nothing more than to join the wave and share your successes because how good of a student you are sometimes feels like as though it is measured through your achievements, qualifications and extra-curriculars. Realistically, first year at law school is when people enter the world of networking. Not only this, but you are dropped into a mass of people who are just as smart, and smarter than you are. This can make you feel inadequate and pressured into attending more events, joining more societies (albeit this is not a bad thing), joining more competitions and overall you realise that getting a 1st in your degree is no longer as important as being an "all-rounder". Though I am aware that this is insecurity and unhealthy comparison, law school has made me hyper-focused on me and how far I should be going to be "just as good" as the person who I connected with on LinkedIn yesterday. No more does it matter that I spend good, quality time at a society that aligns to my interests as it is to share that I am a president of this society and a winner of this competition. This is both a positive and a negative. This has pushed me to become better at managing my time, meeting new people and learning about my own strengths and weaknesses. The negative is glaring - constant comparison is unhealthy and challenging, and leads to sleepless nights and feelings of inadequacy. I think I was aware that law was a degree susceptible to this, but I never quite realised how deeply this would run into me. Now, I am better at being objective about my feelings and understanding that different people have different strengths, limits and time available and that makes none of us worth more than the other, but it is still something that is equally as important to resolve as it is to pursue if you want a career in law. 

Closely related is that you are probably exactly the same as the person sitting next to you in your seminars. Comparison extends out not only to the portraits of those on LinkedIn but the person you discuss your notes with. And listen to speaking across the room. Or the person sitting in front of you in the lecture. Someone may say something like a word you're not familiar with, a concept you haven't wrapped your head around yet, they might be typing copious amounts in the library and you begin to think you are not cut out to be here. But in actual fact, I have not met a person in my first year that isn't in the same boat. Yes, people can understand more, know more and do better, but no one is ever the smartest person in the room. The same person you think typed so much in their notes is feeling insecure that they have to write every word down to understand, and they believe that the person next to them who types little is more able to grasp the concepts than they are. We are all the same. This is obvious, of course. Comparison is natural. Imposter Syndrome is common. But when you are in a situation where suddenly you're out of your depth in knowledge, this is hard to consider objectively and is extremely disheartening. I remember joining a law dinner and looking around at people's outfits, the way they carried themselves and listening to the questions they asked thinking "Oh my god, I am not meant to be here". I spoke to some of these people after a few glasses of cheap champagne after the lawyers left only to hear that maybe they wished they wore what I did, or asked me how I knew what questions to ask. Even the people I considered as geniuses, and actually look up to, highlighted the slip in their mask showing me that no one here considers themselves entirely ready, confident, or let alone comfortable.

Furthermore, exam season has shown me a vulnerability that I haven't seen before. People who I considered "on top of it" and those who seemed to be studying 24/7 asked so many questions. I saw those same people struggling to meet deadlines and reading the same thing I was reading (even when I thought that I was behind by having to re-learn something). The grass always seems greener on the other side, but we are actually all in the same position.

I really thought I would have no social life. As blunt as that is, I expected to have a workload leaving me in the library stressing until 1AM about my upcoming classes instead of clubbing somewhere. In fact, I don't think I've ever gone out more in my life. Combined with a social battery that is non-existent at times, a lack of stamina for going out consecutively and an expectation of a limitless page of set reading I did not see myself clubbing any more than once a month or once every few weeks. Quite the opposite - I found the work was quite manageable (although stressful and complicated at times) and was quite generous in the free time it granted me. There were countless nights where I would bump into people at the club the night before our 9AM seminar the next day. Law school really wasn't the social-life crushing degree I imagined it would be and it did not consume my life as much as I had expected. The reading was doable, the seminars were reasonable (and even enjoyable) and I could afford to spend a day recovering from the previous night, and in that sense it was no where near as hard as I had anticipated from what I had seen online. Of course this isn't exclusive to law school and varies depending on the place you're in (Bristol has a reputable nightlife to say the least) but I really did surprise myself this year - and I'm glad about this.

I wouldn't go back to myself one year ago and say I was wrong in all of my perceptions of Law School, because I think social media had quite accurately shared a multitude of fair perspectives on what it's like to study Law. However, I do think that these things were the ones that surprised me the most and that although I was aware of, I don't think I quite got right in my day-dreaming throughout application season.